| Day 2 moving woes |
[February 22, 2006 @ 4:07pm] |
I woke up this morning to Arsenal beating Real Madrid 1-0. How could I not be cheered up by such news.
In so many ways, I fear my life and style are tied explicably to the Arsenal football season. They fuck up just as well as I do, and they do so with such flair they too exasperate their most ardently loyal supporters. And yet, just when you think they are completely in the pits, playing bollocks to none in the premier league, with almost all their experienced players out forcing them to field a scraggly team of 11 who have an average date-of-birth in the late 1980s, they pull off the most spectacular of successes to astound everyone who had written them off - including themselves.
It was 5-1 in Inter Milan in the 2003/2004 reason, and now it is 1-0 at Real. The first English team to win at the Bernabeu. This is truly the stuff legends are made of. Honestly peeps, I would cry if my tear ducts hadn't already been overused earlier this week.
*
I chose cute teddy bear couples and candles as wedding favours yesterday at the Raffles Hotel.
They are so cute I rather fancy de-linking the male bear from the female bear from half of the statsh, and giving them out as individual door gifts so as to save teh rest of them for myself.
Would that be awfully cheapskate of me? My conscience refuses to prick. However, should you lovely individuals want one of these couple teddies for thine self or significant other or kiddie, do let me know and I will send over a couple.
Or a half.
(Geddit?)
*
Moving along, like Arsenal’s winning streak this season, I don’t know how long this journal will last. It was created a long time ago, a wasteland for my morose ramblings with William, and then it expanded to include a few more readers, and then a few more, and then it was discarded.
Even though I have now found a reason to start it up again (so as to write a little more freely), there is no guarantee that ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1) chatelayne will be as lasting as the other journal. Moving and setting up shop elsewhere is just as tedious a process online as it is in real life, and I am quite fed up of customising the darn page just after a day.
And, as crazy as it is to attach sentiments to inanimate and virtual objects like an online journal, I am rather fond of scherazade despite not talking anymore to the people I first started the account with some four years ago.
I may migrate back there someday when, I imagine, I miss the familiarity of that wretched pink page. So I ask your forgiveness in advance should it confuse you to have two accounts belonging to the same individual for a while.
But let’s let this craziness run its course shall we? Knowing me as well as most of you do, we can all wonder together : whatever will Nisha be up to next?
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| When I miss you |
[September 04, 2005 @ 1:12pm] |
We celebrate apart
until a better year
next year
where I will be together
Forever and ever
in a dance with you
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| Pseudo weekends |
[August 10, 2005 @ 9:24am] |
After a balmy Tuesday holiday, Wednesday morning feels suspiciously like a Monday to me.
National Day lunch yesterday was spent at a restauarant called Vanilla Pod at the Mandai Orchid Garden. It was really pretty. We sat by these wooden windows, surrounded by green leafy flora and fauna in the form of a chameleon with bigass buldging eyes giving me the red-stinky eye(s) during lunch. My heart was screaming in my head because I was so afraid it would fall into the food. Not that the food was fit for a chameleon to start with - I ordered the impressive sounding seared pan fried trout on a layer of portobello mushroom with olive oil and herbs etc..
It turned out to be a small piece of fish (the kind my mother fries at home) on a bigass mushroom.
And my mother's fish has at the very least, chilli and assorted spices.
This useless S$28-before-taxes thing, didn't have salt and pepper.
Poor Maryanne picked up the ridiculous tab coz' it was my birthday treat.
And I got a CD of french jazz music, which I am playing, and which is currently putting me to sleep at the office.
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| Resolutions |
[August 05, 2005 @ 11:12am] |
I am rather sad today. I guess it has a lot to do with what happened when I eventually talked to him. As much as it is sometimes sweet to know a person so well, such a capability is a handicap when it is a hope-buster. I know where this is going, and I think, deep down, I know it is better to walk away. Walk away to what? I don’t know.
All I know is that I wish he had been a little more considerate to my heart when he emailed me in a moment of panic. For the record, he didn’t know it was my birthday when he emailed - the feelings were especially strong that night. Cosmic magic or cosmic fuck-up? I throw my cards in with the latter.
Truthfully, nothing catastrophic has happened. But I do know that I would have been slightly happier to have been stuck with just those other two suitors - neither of whom I liked much, but who didn’t tax my heart and mind again and again.
I think that is the thing about rekindling relationships – it is no good starting over when the ashes are still warm from hidden embers that never did quite die as they were supposed to.
He said to give him two weeks. And I did, although yes, I realise now that is quite the WTF decision. If he still needs time, despite saying he loves me, to commit I think there is a fundamental flaw he hasn’t wisened up to, and which I didn’t catch when it was suggested. I lost a lot of respect for myself for that yesterday. Yes, I am to blame, of course, making myself so unhappy, when I should have known better than to tangle with an ex, especially after what happened with the first one earlier this year.
Live and learn? I fear I am emotionally too lazy to move past the living bit.
I’ll be fine. It is far better to realise it now, than not to realise it ever. I do wonder if he will call in 2 weeks. Historically it has never happened so I am prepared for that course of non-action to repeat itself.
I write all this out, to remind myself of the same. I need to remind myself of the same. Maybe that way, I will be reminded of the need to learn.
I won’t cry. I promise. Although, I wish this didn’t happen coz' I don't see the happy ending I'd have hoped to see.
*
In other news, I am going to try and busy myself with my parents anniversary on the 24th. I have never actually been able to single-handedly organise any one function so this should prove to be a good start. I will have to rope in a whole bunch of my relatives to help (naturally) but my plan shall go something like this:
It shall be on a Saturday, either on the 20th or the 27th, depending on availability. At my house. I think I shall make it a lunch, so that ppl can just chill in the house.
I shall cater from Riverwalk Tandoor, which, if you are residing in Singapore and reading this, is at the junction of Boat Quay and Clarke Quay, and is quite decently priced for a North Indian restaurant.
The people invited shall be
My uncles and their families (naturally :6+3+2
Grandparents :3
My grand aunties :2
Veena, my good friend :1
Another distant uncle and fam : 5 but I predict only 3 will turn up
I am wondering if I should invite another family (together with their subfamilies) :6 + 3 children .
They are always envious of me (hah! If they only knew..) and I will feel slightly uncomfortable if they are around, but I guess I can ask my parents if they want them there, and should they want them, they shall get them.
Adding the 5 of us in the house, total number of guests would be 29.
That means I should only cater for about 25 – that’s what my dad always does.
*
As for the cake, I want to really get a nice one. They had a lovely cake in the office when I first came and it was from The Pastry Shop at Marriott Hotel. I am not sure if there are any better places out there, for cakes, but it makes a change from Checkers at Hilton and the other usual cake shops around town.
Right,
So the details shall be as follows
Date : 20/27 August 2005
Place : Home
Time : Lunch
Food : Riverwalk Tandoor (food for 25)
Guests : 29 pax
Cake : The Pastry Shop, Marriott Hotel
Video : My brother, aided by my cousins
Photography: My uncle, aided by cousins not aiding my brother
Radio : My cousin with cds we will pool together
Tea servers: Me, my aunties and my cousins when they are not aiding my brother or my uncle.
I forsee my grannies doing the logistics eventually, as they don’t like me usurping control over the sanctity that is the kitchen.
Food servers: Misc ppl I will pull over and ask to help on an ah hoc basis.
That about covers it all right?
This is so exciting. Maybe I should get invitations and send them out as well!
And hopefully my parents will have a good time on that day.
That’s my other big resolution for the next few weeks then.
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| Life at the edge of a smouldering volcano |
[August 03, 2005 @ 5:08pm] |
Someday, when I am at the end of my life and most of what has transpired in my life counts for far less than it appears from a vanatge point wisened by time and sharpened by hindsight, I think I will truly regret spending 27 years of my life worrying abt invisible bonds when I could be parasailing across the beaches of Koh Samui, or hiking up to the volcano in Lombok.
There is a trip by BOAC to do the latter in September. It will cost about S$650 not including my personal expenses. I want to do, I do. But inertia finds reasons - I should not be spending close to a $1000 on something like this, given how I wasted $300 on the aerobics classes, I should save my money for my Masters in the future, save money for 'the duties of my life' as my dad would say, etc.
After the upheaval, or more accurately blip, of the past two days however, I am really tempted to throw economic caution to the winds and go for this, should my boss approve of my leave.
And I am leaving work early today, to go home and watch seinfeld.
I'll see you around.
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| Representations & Warranties |
[August 03, 2005 @ 11:14am] |
I asked him to call me but he has not done so, nor have there been any further emails. I don't want to be as emotionally high maintenance as I have been told I am, but surely, if after such an passionable outburst from him, should I have suggested a call, it is only reasonable to expect that one would have been made by this time right?
Perhaps it is still early, only a day since I asked.
But in any case, I have deleted the email he sent me from my accounts. And that is my way of closing this topic entirely. I don't want to go back to where I was, waiting for emails and calls that never come. I don't want to. And I refuse to be sucked into that hole again.
I am stronger than this - stronger and braver than to be affected by one silly email. I am a legal counsel in a great firm, and I can stay here for long, no matter what coz' I doing really well now at work.
This should, and will not affect me. I promise that to myself.
Promise, promise, promise.
It will be very fulfilling, in a life-enriching sort of way, if at the end of this new saga, that perhaps is yet to begin, I end up realising that it is better to stay alone, or to end up with someone who takes care of you, than it is to end up with someone you connect with, and have feelings for, but who is a flip-flopping fop.
I love the way that last bit aliterated.
Still, I shall not judge him yet. My life is still young and I know not what the next 24 hours brings.
*
Moving on, Karan and Boon Kee have finally gotten together. Or are progressing towards such an agreement. I ran Boon Kee through the whole gamut of questions that any best friend should ask of one who is initiating an attachment -
Are you doing this because you are lonely?
Do you see this going anywhere?
Does he treat you well?
Does he call you from wherever he is at?
Is he looking for a serious relationship or is all that flirting just that?
We no longer have the luxury of time to play around with relationships that have a mortality rate of more than 35% so do you see this ending in a happily ever after?
And in that case, would your parents mind that he is an Indian? Would his mind that you are Chinese? (it is a sticky point for some parents)
If there are complications do you see yourself standing up for him, should he be the one you choose?
etc.
After that battery of questions, I gave her my assurance, although she said, no it is not what she wants or expects of me, that should this attachment, god forbid terminate, I am her friend and will not communicate with him or his friends anymore.
I prefer things to be like that. And she is my best friend. And I will never let her be alone.
*
All such guidelines, representations and warranties aside, I am really happy for them. It is a decision that both had been skirting around for such a long time - all the way since life in RH.
And I really do think he will do his best for her.
There was a day in Phuket, when we all got high and the way he took care of her till she fell asleep was really touching.
Truthfully though, how it will affect the group dynamics, did worry me a little. But I think we are all mature adults and I know the both of them too well, to ever expect them to be lovey-dovey or anything like, in front of Udayan and me.
And no, nothing can happen between Udayan and me. It is just not possible or plausible a thought to either of us.
So it's all good. And I am so so glad. I have prayed this for her for so so long. Not that she gets Karan, but she gets someone she is attracted to, who she can see a long term future with, who will take care of her, and not give her false hopes and will try as far as possible to think of her and her happiness before himself, and who wants to spend the rest of his life making hers happier and better, together.
I guess that is what I would wish for all of my friends, and, I expect, also for me. But it is so grin-fying to know that it has happened for someone who deserves it more than anyone else I love.
And that makes me happier than I imagine I will ever be.
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[August 01, 2005 @ 8:52am] |
I woke up yesterday morning to a flurry of smses all texted shortly after midnight the night before. I had a puja to attend at my aunty’s house at 5, and it is amazing how we , my father, mother, grannies, grandpa and me, managed to get there in one piece and awake.
The priest was there already and the homam was already underway. How they get up at 3 to prepare for this I dunno, but zeal and faith can only take you thus far – I am quite sure I saw everybody including my pious grannies partially sleeping through bits of the ceremony, especially when the priest told us to close our eyes and pray.
But it was really nice to start my day so, with a Ganesh puja, sandlewood and jasmine smells and God permeating through our beings as I started my birthday. The priest made me totally high when he said that yesterday was a favourite day of God coz’ it was on the star that God was reincarnated on Earth and an Ekadeshi (festival) day as well. And he didn’t know it was my birthday so he must have been saying it coz’ it is true. Hee.
*
Lunch yesterday afternoon was at Samy’s curry in Dempsey Road, a foresty throwback to rustic old Singapore, with Udayan, Karan and Boon Kee. We stuffed ourselves silly and the boys and BK totally enjoyed themselves. It was Udayan’s birthday two days before and we gave him a Jenga set, except that I revealed what it was before he had a chance to guess, which led to the rest of them branding me a ditzy idiot for the rest of the day.
I think we have grown so much closer post Phuket last weekend (shall elaborate on that soon) , if that were possible. We have our own injokes, seinfeld-isms, and numerous things from the intellectual to the inane, from the mild to the risqué to keep us entertained wherever we are.
There was a night in Phuket when we went to a sedate chillout pub called Margarita and ordered shot after shot, got so high and turned the place into a club by requesting rock favourites off the live band there and getting everyone to dance with us.
I think we did that same crazy routine to the Wine Company yesterday – a nice afternoon chillout place where we inaugurated with our jenga set.
The stakes were the two bottles of wine we ordered and we went on stacking the tower, round after round, nails biting, hands shaking, heads sweating in the air con comfort, the center of attraction for all the tables around us. The more the tower threatened to topple with each removed brick, the more gasps we could hear from the tables nearly, and the faster the waiters swooped down to clear our table of wine glasses, in anticpation of the great fall.
It was so much fun.
*
In the evening, I had a party in my house for my dearest and nearest of family. As always. Besides my uncles and aunties, my parents never tell the invited family friends the occasion, as we just want them to come. But some of them have cottoned on to the fact that getting an invitation every year at the end of July from Rasok, means it is Nisha’s birthday, and I got my first bouquet of flowers, and too many cakes.
Later that night, my cousins made me hide in my room while they decorated the living room and gathered everyone together for the cake citting, and I walked out to a crowd of faces whose love and affection for me was so radiantly reflected throughout the dimly lit room, that I teared during their rendition of Happy Birthday.
*
My birthday has always been my favouite day of the year and no matter how messed up the rest of the year or life is just then, 31st July is cool sustenance come midway through the year, breathing new life into my being, making me buoyant enough to be happy for a few hours or so.
This year though, everyone, from my office mates and boss who threw me a surprise party in the office complete with my first ice cream cake, through my best friends to wonderful family made my birthday, interspersed with tons of lovely birthday wishes from friends from all over throughout the day, made my day so happy, so magnificent, that I imagine the happiness I feel now will last for a much much longer time than it usually does.
Love does that doesn’t it? I think as bad as it can warp life into a sick twisted knot sometimes, the purity of caring so much for someone, together with all the affection, laughter, joy, selflessness and other assorted warm fuzzy things that you do as a result of it, is perhaps the only thing that works faster than time to heal all wounds. I think love that surrounds you takes away the past faster than you can blink it away with tears, making you want to live more in the present, while enchanting you with pleasant thoughts and the simplest hopes that will set you sailing smoothly all the way to your next birthday, through all the times between.
*
I woke up this morning, of my naal birthday (Malayalam birthday) with this quote repeating itself in my mind.
To absent friends, lost loves, old Gods and the Season of Mists. And may each and every one of us, give the devil his due
And that is my wish for all of you, this year on my birthday.
May it be as wonderful for you, as I hope it will be for me. And may you be blessed with as much love in your life, as I realise now, I have, in mine.
--
This is mainly with you guys in mind, but I am crossposting it to the other journal as well. Thank you for your wishes dearest people. They mean so much to me :)
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| Base mettle |
[July 19, 2005 @ 9:26am] |
My bus driver auntie’s brother-in-law is taking us to work these days and the van he drives is HOT! It’s larger than a minivan but smaller than a minibus and in all black, so it made us look like a SWAT team whizzing away on a secret mission to the Free Trade Zone. Heee.. :)
In other news, I am feeling better today than I did yesterday. I didn’t take the tablet yesterday and I will only take half a tablet tonight and I think I feel better. Although maybe that could be a placebo kickback in reverse – maybe I blame the med for causing all this, therefore not taking it makes me feel better.
See how my mind works? It’s a neverending cycle of non-stop thought. I wish there was a way of freezing thoughts to sub-zero degree temperatures so that they are all denatured and immobilised in your head, until you decide you want to think abt it, in which case you can take it out, microwave it till it is active again. Wouldn’t that be a cool invention?
A sort of penseive of sorts I suppose.
*
I feel awfully fat. And guilty that I have thus far let my aerobics voucher go to waste. I should have started going a month ago but was given to so many excuses.. sigh. Why is it so hard to take the first step? And why do I find it so hard, when I know it is the only way to lose weight. This, I know, is unlike me because, I do like exercising, and jogging and becoming thinner. Well, no more excuses. I am going today, come what may.
*
I had a lovely time yesterday with Will. It was so nice just talking to him about the same sort of things we used to talk abt back in England. I just realised how happy I am he is back. Him, BK, Karan, … random ppl who make me smile when I think of them. Sometimes, all you need is that.
He gave me a book yesterday, which I could have sworn I have never read before, but I knew the story exactly as it was unfolding. I just cannot seem to remember where and when I last read it. Déjà vu or just a really bad memory?
This isn’t the first time it is happening. I know I worked on the contract I worked on yesterday, sometime before, but I hardly remember when I last worked on it, or what changes I made then.
I really don’t.
Thank goodness for tracked changes – that way the changes I made back thenwhenIcannotremember are saved.
Although there was a tough moment yesterday when someone asked me why I made a certain change and I had no answer, because I couldn't remember..
*
In other news, the man didn’t call. I suppose I did tell him to try and call before Thursday so he still has two days. But I think I am making up my mind slowly – and it is leaning toward the other pavam guy who I have no feelings for but who is nice to me. He is the only guy I have ever known who is interested in me, and answers letters, phone calls and messages promptly.
I do regret not feeling anything for him, or being able to be excited about him in my life. Because, he has always been so prompt with letters, emails and messages that I now realise how much less stressful life is when you don’t have wait around expecting phone calls that never come, or emails that are never written, when you are sure had the roles been reversed, you would have definitely emailed such a person.
Is this why I had to go through 10 years of bad relationships and 4 eligible arranged marriage candidates who turned out to have (at best) bad etiquette and (at worst) no empathy/interest in me?
So that I realise that the most eligible guys are not the ones who look good and have good career prospects, read books and write well, but those like this pavam man who lived in a village till his degree and who I only can speak to in Malayalam because he is not confident of his English?
Yet he has probably lived life so much more than the others have and I know he is a nicer person, and a far stronger and better individual than the others.
As far away as he is from the fairy tale prince charming, isn’t he the poster boy of the far-more-worthy Aesop’s fable – the diamond hidden among the rocks, the beauty in base lead, the seemingly unattractive duckling who is in reality a stoic swan?
Why then, is my heart still not swayed?
Funny. I expected myself to be made of better mettle than that I have thus far been revealed to have.
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| Draft of a phone call |
[July 18, 2005 @ 3:53pm] |
This evening, I am to talk to someone I have been talking to on and off for a while. And I have to tell him congrats on becoming a fourth year resident, listen to him tell me about it, ask him abt his dog Chaaya and how life is, tell him how busy I have been, and how much I am looking forward to Phuket. And then I am going to ask him what the fuck is he playing at dragging this getting-to-know-you session out so long, week after week one bloody monthly email at a time from last winter through this summer?!
Well I'd like to.
Instead I, being the classy elegant little Miss that I am, shall instead break it gently like so:
{during a break between pleasentries}
Hey, have your parents asked you if you've made a decision as to how this is all progressing? [listen to his answer] Coz' mine do ask me what's happening, where and IF it is going anywhere. I keep telling them you can't rush these things, it's the sort of decision that takes time for either party to come to, and that I wouldn't want to rush anyone into anything..and I do mean that.
But at the same time, I guess it's over 6 months now since we started communicating, so it is kind of understandable that they are anxious to know if this is proceeding. I guess that's the thing about arranged marriages huh.. there is that little leeway, but they do worry that I am getting older and all - in any case, I am curious too.. have you been able to give any thought about where we are going to go with this, how we are to proceed.. maybe more importantly if you'd like to proceed..
If by this time, he is not helping me out/realising what I am asking and proceed to answer one way or the other, I hope to goodness I realise that instant that this may be the wrong camel to back, and slowly start exiting.
I'm not sure what intrigues me abt him. But this is the TALK. Funny, I never knew that sort of thing existed in a pre-arranged marriage scenario.
But I am done getting-to-know him somehow. It's time to get practical and decide one way or the other.
*
I am quite affected by Harry Potter. You who may be reading this, finish it quickly that I may be able to discuss it without having to use an lj cut.
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| Making a bad day good |
[July 18, 2005 @ 9:56am] |
The medicine’s sort of wrecking my life. The additional tablet he gave. He gave me a few bad days to adjust to it, and then he upped it again and I spent yesterday in tears while it wrecked havoc within my hormones trying to stabilize within again. The priest at the temple must have thought I was going through some Sun-TV-tamil-drama-serial level of anguish at home, the way he looked at me with concern between archanas.
It sort of defeats the purpose does it not, if something makes me feel worse when it is supposed to make me feel better. And yet I continue to take it, for fear of what will happen if it is not in my system.
Pretty similar to a lot that is happening in my life, now that I come to think of it.
*
I think I have always relied on a certain amount of approval from my parents and friends to achieve a steady mental state – the slightest sign of disapproval makes me fret and fret and feel anxious about making things right. These days, I am less affected by what my friends think, but increasingly affected by every last perceived mood change I perceive my parents to be going through.
It is not very healthy I know, and it exasperates them no end, because, as they say, I am not the only thing on their minds, and if they appear worried it is not just because I am not getting married, or I have caused them distress by this condition.
More than anything, when I get better, I hope become less sensitive and not feel so guilty for everything that may have to do with me. Whether that guilt results from a perceived slight my parents or my friends make.
For example, on Friday, we had a class outing planned, which I made reservations for, and which I seemed to be the de-facto organizer of, because I was the one, who had initially suggested the place.
I was anxious the whole day, and I fretted constantly about whether people would like it, and if it were too expensive for them, as I walked towards Clarke Quay, when in fact, I am quite sure, it was not something anyone would hold against me, as they were all working adults who would be able to afford it, or share food to afford it
I don’t know where this insecurity and this guilt for being who I am, for thinking I am a mess up and a burden and an accident waiting to happen to everyone, comes from. I guess it is because history has shown, I have caused more than a few catastrophes to my parents and friends, and now I am so afraid of doing more damage, I walk under a canopy of what-next induced fear.
I think that leads me to keep thinking and rethinking and overthinking everything that happens and has happened to me and my friends in life, and then wallowing in a self doubt that sets me running inside a vicious circle of never-ending thought, realization, blame, guilt, sadness, thought, blame, guilt, miserable feelings.
I guess I write this now because I am sitting here barely an hour into my work week Monday, wondering if my Boss is angry/going to be angry with me, and panicking about how I am going to handle it if she is, and what I am going to do, what did I do to precipitate it..
I am not sure what the solution is of course. For had I known, I know I am capable of teaching myself to apply it, no matter how tough it is.
Perhaps in the short term, I am just going to tell myself Stop worrying. If it is meant to happen, you have enough experience to get through it and come out of it. Don’t be afraid of the scoldings and the pain. You did what you could, and you didn’t want to hurt anyone in the process, so it could not have been wrong
It doesn’t make the canopy of sadness and fear that follows me around like a shadow disappear. But I think it may help me work better and more efficiently for the next few hours. And that’s a start.
*
In other news, I am seriously, going to get serious about losing weight. That means, Wills, when I meet you later, I am going to eat light.
Which also reminds me, est-ce que vous etes libre aujourd'hui pour aller au cinema avec moi? I somehow feel like watching Initial D, in Chinese as it may be.
Let me know. :)
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| Collateral Damage |
[July 15, 2005 @ 3:40pm] |
I have work to do, but for some unfathomably lazy reason, find surfing the net for every last bit of information on the British bombers to be far more gripping than reviewing a contract we have with a storage company.
It did not quite make for pure tabloid reading though - 2 of the bombers are practically children aged 19 and 21 living with their parents who strangely had no idea of the hardline militant thoughts these kids cultivated. And acted on.
Then again, I rememeber that age, I was very passionately indignant about injustices that pervaded the adult world that I only just entering. At the age, you are just about crossing that threshold between a childhood ruled by the most sensible of idealistic rules with logical repercussions and an adult world so complicated and opaque it paints morality in the starkest shade of grey you would have never before seen.
When then, midstream through such rites of passage, someone tells you about the injustices dished out to your kind elsewhere that goes unnoticed, I can imagine just how much easier it is for you to want to mete out justice, to want to make things right, in any way you can.
And that thought, tangled and festering on a semi-ripe maturity still idealistically hungry to right perceived wrongs, is just a hop, skip and a train-ride away from the bombs that were detonated last week.
Obviously, they should know it is always wrong to kill even as an idelogical example. Or so I can preach from my grand old perch of 27, when, all ethics and innate morality aside, I know better than to draw attention to a unilateral political initiative in Iraq by bombing 3 trains and a bus a hemisphere away.
In the end though, I am not sure they are any more rogues than are the politicians who passover the body count while pressing forward with their agendas of retribution. A little more naive I suppose. But surely not any more evil.
*
That was a despressing entry to write. Especially when my current inability to fit into my clothes because I have put on weight aside, I am quite happy that I purchased a lovely necklace yesterday.
Toodles then, till the dratted contract has been amended and suitably put together.
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| A potful of thoughts |
[July 14, 2005 @ 11:07am] |
I could update away a fresh entry a day, and then write again for posterity, ricocheting through extremes of intensity.
I am not sure what I would like to say though. Maybe that I think all the money in the world would not buy parents like mine. And that I am going to spoil my brother silly by blowing my bonus on him.
Perhaps a watch, and a wallet. Is it worth buying such stuff for people who do not truly want nor appreciate them? Am I buying them for the pleasure it gives me, or the pleasure it (may) give him.
And so I ponder, when there is so much other work to do.
*
I have to mail an ultimatum to a man for taking his time in deciding if he wishes to proceed with a relationship. Should I? Need I? Or do actions always speak where words are less forthcoming?
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| A Companionable Soliloquy |
[July 14, 2005 @ 9:47am] |
And so I spent the better part of two days configuring this page through a thoroughly tedious but deeply satisfying process of learning about CSS, groping through unfamiliar terms in the main template for just slightly more than the most pedestrian of changes.
Still, I am extremely thrilled and excited to be so passionate about something again finally. I was happy, and my mood improved, and for a while, every day the cloud lifts and everything around me and inside me, stops being tainted by the shadow of gloom. I actually grin and have seconds of pure undiluted joy permeating through my being, resting my heart snugly within nanoseconds of contentment before passing on.
It is liberating writing for myself again.. ah yes, and for you, who reads this..reads me like an open book. But strangely, I know deep down that there will be no change to my style or content post knowledge of your presence on this page. That I am able to discard such knowledge of your presence – is this the digital equivalent of a companionable silence? A companionable soliloquy perhaps. And a much appreciated friendship.
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| Daisychain of stars |
[July 12, 2005 @ 9:46am] |
So this would be the first of perhaps a better start than than the end I leave behind.
I must say, I do like the layout of this page a lot. Besides the old-world charm it exudes, I do finally get to write for the very first reason I started to write, when I was but a child in front of my uncle's typewriter, staring that the asterix key, wondering how best to utalise it in a letter.
And I realised that it was the loveliest way to end a letter, a note, a story, a book - a daisy-chain of asterixes two lines from the end of your last paragraph. Like so,
********
I think I started writing only because I wanted to end with that flourish, my signature at the end of a piece of creation, a way of reminding my readership that despite the good and bad in my story, letter or prose above, I end it with this beauty line of ASCII flowers that surely would brighten anyone's day however it may have been unfolding till then.
I don't think I ever really finished typing a letter that day. Nor do I think I'd ever ended any letter I typed subsequently with asterix flowers either. I don't think I ever remembered to, or when I did, it somehow never seemed appropriate to the situation.
But maybe I was wrong - we all need a sweetener in our lives don't we? Even when everything appears so awful...especially when everything appears so awful. Coz' maybe just like trying to smile through the worst of tears may be the spark that jumpstarts a recovery, ending an entry with a happy flourish might just be what I need to remind myself, that our stories never end on a bad note - they go on and on, from happy times through sad to better times again.
So here I am, the mistress of my castle - a chatelaine, sometimes.
Welcome to my journey.
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